Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull today. The spoiler free review is this: it was better than I was afraid it was going to be, worse than I hoped it would be, moderately entertaining, and completely falls apart if you make the mistake of thinking about it afterwards.




SPOILERS BELOW




Oh, man, was this movie a mess. The first thirty minutes or so were unnecessary and problematic, there was little to no character development, and the aliens, oy, the aliens. I’m sure there are plot holes and glitches in the other three Indy movies, but this movie is so hole riddled that it practically self destructs. Then there’s the matter of Harrison Ford playing Indy as though he’s permanently pissed off. And the pointless seeming characters, which include both Indy’s frienemy and, sadly, his son. The movie was entertaining, yes, but in a way that evaporates after you watch it.

While there were a couple of funny moments in the first half hour or so, the movie would probably have been better off starting with Mutt approaching Indy with Marion’s letter. If they wanted to start with a bang, they could have started with an opening mini-adventure the way Raiders and Last Crusade did, but the entire bit with the Soviets, Area 51, and Indy being a suspected Commie was a mistake. I can think of no reason for Indy to have been asked to consult on a UFO crash – he’s an archaeologist, not an astrophysicist, an aerospace engineer, or an air crash investigator. What could they have wanted him to consult on? It was just a (flimsy) explanation for the Soviets kidnapping him and his frienemy (who unfortunately shares my nickname -_-), despite the fact that the Soviets could have been brought in by Mutt and his letter, which was supposedly a Soviet ruse to lure Indy into the chase, anyway. (After the opening bit, that makes my head hurt.) Worse, having Indy be a suspected Commie and lose his job (essentially), creates a plot thread that isn’t resolved sensibly. Why would the suspicion have just magically gone away after his adventure? Furthermore, how did his administrator friend get his job back? He resigned.

The earlier movies didn’t hit us over the head with their time period, but, oh, dear god, this one did. Another reason why we would be better off without the first half hour or so. And better off without Indy’s son Mutt, who really served no purpose but to deliver a letter and get Indy and Marion back together…because. Because what, I don’t know, there wasn’t enough character development for their sudden discovery of true love to make sense. It was as if Indy finding out he fathered a child with Marion suddenly caused him to realize that he’d always loved her. And what happens if it turns out he also fathered one with Willy? Or some other woman from an adventure that we haven’t seen?

If there had been more relationship building between Indy and Mutt (more like there was between Indy and Henry Sr. in Last Crusade), then Mutt’s character wouldn’t have felt so extraneous. Unfortunately, the plot was too busy dashing from nearly dialogue-less action sequence to nearly dialogue-less action sequence. (Is it just me, or was there a lot more dialogue in the action scenes in the previous movies? I must re-watch them and find out.) And, of course, if there had been actual relationship building between Indy and Marion, the rekindling of their love would have made sense. Instead, we have mah character development iz paisted on, yay.

Oh, and the same problem applies to Mr. Frienemy, a former secret agent turned greedy s.o.b., who sidelines in archaeology. Bwuh? Seriously, what the hell was he supposed to be? He’d been at a dig in Mexico with Indy, so he was presumably an archaeologist, yes? But there was no other indication that he was, so, maybe not. He’d been a spy with Indy. But now was willing to sell out his country and friend for money. Which makes no sense. Or was he supposed to always have been selling secrets to the top bidder rather than having been spying for king and country during the war. I don’t know, but he could have been deleted from the movie. And should have. Hell, Natasha Irina was supposed to be psychic, so she didn’t need to follow his trail of glowing lipsticks. She could have “known” where they were. Or been an archaeologist herself.

And we can’t forget the aliens. Oy, the aliens. As I feared, the aliens plot kept giving me “Didn’t I see this on Stargate SG1?” moments, but even if they hadn’t, the plot holes were nearly enough to make my brain explode like poor Irina’s. Which is a good place to start with the plot holes and wait, what?s. Why did the aliens, who apparently brought knowledge to the South Americans (and/or all humanity), fry Irina’s brain when she asked to know everything? Were they supposed to be good? Evil? Chaotic neutral? Is this an anti-curiosity message? What? If she’d asked for power over everyone, or something more clearly in keeping with her earlier stated goals, it would have made sense, but she didn’t, and I was left going “Wait, what?”

On a similar note, if the aliens were anthropologists or collectors, why didn’t they take their collection of artifacts with them when they left? Why have them stored outside the ship and destroy them, and the valley and all life in it when they left? (And we’re back to good, evil, chaotic neutral, what the hell?) Were they just that pissed over losing one of their heads? (How the hell did they lose that skull in the first place? Only aliens could get into that room (or people carrying alien skulls) and there was no obvious other exit.) Was it just time to go? I don’t get it. And what was supposed to have been up with the Roswell crash? Was that another “hive mind” (which seemed more like a case of Multiple Man to me), looking for the one in South America? Or what?

I really, really don’t remember having this many questions about the other Indy movies. Like I said, there might have been a plot hole or glitch here or there, but the movies weren’t Swiss cheese. This movie, however, was.

It also had any number of “wait, what?” moments that I didn’t mention, from Indy surviving a nuclear blast in a refrigerator to giant ants eating people (just like the scarabs in The Mummy, I might add). And, of course, Indy being in a bad mood through most of the movie. I seem to remember him having fun once in a while in the others, or being amazed, or…any number of other emotions that aren’t “serious,” “cross,” or “pissed.” This rather limited range seemed even stranger when paired with Marion’s permanent chipper grin. Okay, so she’s pleased that she’s got the love of her life back, and likes adventuring…so what’s wrong with him? Or, alternatively, shouldn’t she be a smidge worried about surviving the adventure?

Eh, like I said, I enjoyed the movie all right. I just don't see myself seeing it again or buying it. It just had too many problems and not enough extra good bits to balance out the problems. Or I'm just getting picky in my old age.