Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull today. The spoiler free review is this: it was better than I was afraid it was going to be, worse than I hoped it would be, moderately entertaining, and completely falls apart if you make the mistake of thinking about it afterwards.




SPOILERS BELOW




Oh, man, was this movie a mess. The first thirty minutes or so were unnecessary and problematic, there was little to no character development, and the aliens, oy, the aliens. I’m sure there are plot holes and glitches in the other three Indy movies, but this movie is so hole riddled that it practically self destructs. Then there’s the matter of Harrison Ford playing Indy as though he’s permanently pissed off. And the pointless seeming characters, which include both Indy’s frienemy and, sadly, his son. The movie was entertaining, yes, but in a way that evaporates after you watch it.

While there were a couple of funny moments in the first half hour or so, the movie would probably have been better off starting with Mutt approaching Indy with Marion’s letter. If they wanted to start with a bang, they could have started with an opening mini-adventure the way Raiders and Last Crusade did, but the entire bit with the Soviets, Area 51, and Indy being a suspected Commie was a mistake. I can think of no reason for Indy to have been asked to consult on a UFO crash – he’s an archaeologist, not an astrophysicist, an aerospace engineer, or an air crash investigator. What could they have wanted him to consult on? It was just a (flimsy) explanation for the Soviets kidnapping him and his frienemy (who unfortunately shares my nickname -_-), despite the fact that the Soviets could have been brought in by Mutt and his letter, which was supposedly a Soviet ruse to lure Indy into the chase, anyway. (After the opening bit, that makes my head hurt.) Worse, having Indy be a suspected Commie and lose his job (essentially), creates a plot thread that isn’t resolved sensibly. Why would the suspicion have just magically gone away after his adventure? Furthermore, how did his administrator friend get his job back? He resigned.

The earlier movies didn’t hit us over the head with their time period, but, oh, dear god, this one did. Another reason why we would be better off without the first half hour or so. And better off without Indy’s son Mutt, who really served no purpose but to deliver a letter and get Indy and Marion back together…because. Because what, I don’t know, there wasn’t enough character development for their sudden discovery of true love to make sense. It was as if Indy finding out he fathered a child with Marion suddenly caused him to realize that he’d always loved her. And what happens if it turns out he also fathered one with Willy? Or some other woman from an adventure that we haven’t seen?

If there had been more relationship building between Indy and Mutt (more like there was between Indy and Henry Sr. in Last Crusade), then Mutt’s character wouldn’t have felt so extraneous. Unfortunately, the plot was too busy dashing from nearly dialogue-less action sequence to nearly dialogue-less action sequence. (Is it just me, or was there a lot more dialogue in the action scenes in the previous movies? I must re-watch them and find out.) And, of course, if there had been actual relationship building between Indy and Marion, the rekindling of their love would have made sense. Instead, we have mah character development iz paisted on, yay.

Oh, and the same problem applies to Mr. Frienemy, a former secret agent turned greedy s.o.b., who sidelines in archaeology. Bwuh? Seriously, what the hell was he supposed to be? He’d been at a dig in Mexico with Indy, so he was presumably an archaeologist, yes? But there was no other indication that he was, so, maybe not. He’d been a spy with Indy. But now was willing to sell out his country and friend for money. Which makes no sense. Or was he supposed to always have been selling secrets to the top bidder rather than having been spying for king and country during the war. I don’t know, but he could have been deleted from the movie. And should have. Hell, Natasha Irina was supposed to be psychic, so she didn’t need to follow his trail of glowing lipsticks. She could have “known” where they were. Or been an archaeologist herself.

And we can’t forget the aliens. Oy, the aliens. As I feared, the aliens plot kept giving me “Didn’t I see this on Stargate SG1?” moments, but even if they hadn’t, the plot holes were nearly enough to make my brain explode like poor Irina’s. Which is a good place to start with the plot holes and wait, what?s. Why did the aliens, who apparently brought knowledge to the South Americans (and/or all humanity), fry Irina’s brain when she asked to know everything? Were they supposed to be good? Evil? Chaotic neutral? Is this an anti-curiosity message? What? If she’d asked for power over everyone, or something more clearly in keeping with her earlier stated goals, it would have made sense, but she didn’t, and I was left going “Wait, what?”

On a similar note, if the aliens were anthropologists or collectors, why didn’t they take their collection of artifacts with them when they left? Why have them stored outside the ship and destroy them, and the valley and all life in it when they left? (And we’re back to good, evil, chaotic neutral, what the hell?) Were they just that pissed over losing one of their heads? (How the hell did they lose that skull in the first place? Only aliens could get into that room (or people carrying alien skulls) and there was no obvious other exit.) Was it just time to go? I don’t get it. And what was supposed to have been up with the Roswell crash? Was that another “hive mind” (which seemed more like a case of Multiple Man to me), looking for the one in South America? Or what?

I really, really don’t remember having this many questions about the other Indy movies. Like I said, there might have been a plot hole or glitch here or there, but the movies weren’t Swiss cheese. This movie, however, was.

It also had any number of “wait, what?” moments that I didn’t mention, from Indy surviving a nuclear blast in a refrigerator to giant ants eating people (just like the scarabs in The Mummy, I might add). And, of course, Indy being in a bad mood through most of the movie. I seem to remember him having fun once in a while in the others, or being amazed, or…any number of other emotions that aren’t “serious,” “cross,” or “pissed.” This rather limited range seemed even stranger when paired with Marion’s permanent chipper grin. Okay, so she’s pleased that she’s got the love of her life back, and likes adventuring…so what’s wrong with him? Or, alternatively, shouldn’t she be a smidge worried about surviving the adventure?

Eh, like I said, I enjoyed the movie all right. I just don't see myself seeing it again or buying it. It just had too many problems and not enough extra good bits to balance out the problems. Or I'm just getting picky in my old age.

Why, Hollywood, why?

This is partly a general movie rant and partly a rant about the new Indiana Jones movie. Now, I haven’t seen the Indy movie, and, after spending some time on line reading reviews, I’m not sure if I will, but unless a hell of a lot of reviewers are lying…it has issues. But first, the general movie rant, so that those who don’t wish to read Indy spoilers can more easily avoid them.

I’ve seen several movies in the past few years that I felt like I’d seen before – while watching them for the first time in the theater. I don’t just mean that they hit all the clichés of the genre, I mean I literally sat in the theater trying to figure out what various scenes were from. Not only is that bad on it’s own, but I like adventure movies, and one shouldn’t have time for that kind of thought while watching an adventure movie. But I did.

I’m still convinced that the entire climax of the first Pirates of the Caribbean is from… something. I can’t for the life of me think what, but either I somehow saw it before I saw it, or there’s some movie from the 70’s or 80’s that also features a climax with a cursed treasure and zombies…or something close enough for me to sit there thinking “I’ve seen this. I’m sure I have.” It wasn’t just that I predicted what the heroes could do, it was that I could almost, almost conjure up images from the movie that first had that scene.

Or I’m crazy, always possible.

The National Treasure movies have it even worse. The scene with the ice bound shipwreck, the theft of the Declaration of Independence, and the climax of the second movie (and other scenes from both movies I can’t quite think of right now), I swear are right out of episodes of MacGyver. Whether or not they really are, that feeling gave the movies a very made-for-TV feel to me.

And those are movies I enjoyed. I know there were any number of other movies I’ve seen recently that also suffered from “Haven’t I seen this before?” syndrome, but they were so unmemorable that I don’t remember them. Which is even more disappointing. I mean, really, is it too much to ask for a good adventure movie that doesn’t leave me thinking I’ve seen it before?

What does “Haven’t I seen this before?” syndrome have to do with the new Indiana Jones movie?

Now we enter spoilery territory…





After what happened with the Star Wars prequels, I had a bad feeling about the new Indiana Jones movie before I knew anything about it, so I was probably predisposed to see problems. Then I heard rumors that a character was Indy’s son, and I muttered to myself about why it’s never a daughter, and found myself thinking that now, instead of National Treasure being reminiscent of Indiana Jones, Indiana Jones is going to be reminiscent of National Treasure. Then I saw the trailer and went “Uh, didn’t they do this on Stargate SG1?” and my bad feeling grew.

So I went looking for reviews and spoilers. And my bad feeling blossomed to planetary size. Crystal skulls and aliens? They did do this on Stargate SG1 on an episode called Crystal Skull, no less. *headdesk*

Yes, I know crystal skulls are real objects, people think they may have something to do with aliens (or hoaxers), but, come on, why would you pick a MacGuffin that was bound to remind the audience of a television show? Why? Hell, despite it being the goal of the second National Treasure movie, the seven cities of gold would be a better MacGuffin. Just have Cibola, Quivira, and whatnot somewhere sensible and people will forget about the silliness under Mount Rushmore. (Oh gods, it just occurred to me that Indy said something about a city of gold in the trailer… )

Can’t we have some bloody originality? Hell, somehow Clive Cussler keeps me reading his outrageous Dirk Pitt books, and I loved the TV show Relic Hunter, so it’s not the clichés of the genre, it’s really not. It’s that sinking “Haven’t I seen this before?”


(And if anyone knows how to spoiler tag on Blogger...share the knowledge, please?)

Am I supposed to visit the Twilight Zone?

A program on the supernatural I watched tonight got me to thinking about the, ah, difficult to explain experiences I’ve had. Now, I neither believe nor disbelieve in the supernatural, but the supernatural seems to believe in me. Sure, I have a vivid imagination, and that could explain some of my experiences, and, yes, some could be chalked up to coincidence, but still… I've had some kind of odd experienes, and I thought I’d share them with the internet, because, hey, why not?

Mac’s Inexplicable Experiences

1) I seem to be able to predict/know about tornadoes that are a potential threat to my location. I can think of several times as a child (verified by my parents) that I woke up to warn them of tornadoes before the sirens went off, or just knew that a thunderstorm was going to produce tornadoes…and it did. I even warned my grandparents of a funnel cloud that barely missed their house one summer when we were visiting. All of which could be good observational ability on my part (I did grow up in southwest Iowa.), or coincidence. But one incident, when I was fourteen, crosses the border into really damn strange.

In the afternoon of July 17, 1988, I looked out the window of our house at a clear blue sky, and knew there was going to be a tornado. I was so certain that I told my parents, who had just laid down for a nap, and so calm that I then went to play the piano. (Having grown up in southwest Iowa and believing in being prepared, I always kept a backpack of irreplaceable things, a flashlight, and a radio packed during tornado season.)

It took less than half an hour for a storm to form out of the southwest…and for the weather alert to go off, warning us of a tornado warning for Pottawattamie county and the Omaha/Council Bluffs metro area. We scurried down to the basement with my backpack of stuff, and watched the storm on our basement television until the power went out. I then gave my parents reports from my headset radio until the all clear sounded. We emerged from the basement to find a trail of destruction through our neighborhood that passed right beside our house. The twisted damage to trees and the fact that the trees that did break off or were uprooted didn’t fall in the same direction made it pretty clear that a funnel cloud had passed over, not quite touching down. (And the city suffered a good deal of damage.)

But how did I know there was going to be a tornado? Was there something about the clear blue sky that tipped me off? Was it an amazing coincidence? Or what? Hell if I know. From my point of view, I just…knew.

2a) When I was eight, we moved into a house that was either haunted, or settling in a very unusual way. Something seemed to pace in the attic. Creak, creak, creak, across the ceiling of my room, out over the other upstairs bedroom, and back again. The year that we lived there, I slept in the living room, downstairs, away from the creepy creaking. Sure, it was probably just the house settling, as old houses do, but I’ve never encountered a house that settled in such a regular, repetitive pattern before or since. And I hope I never do.

2b) Much higher on the psychic/ghost/Twilight Zone scale was an experience I had apartment hunting in Prescott, Arizona. I was living in a cheap motel and trying to find a permanent residence before my money ran out (ah, but I was a brave and/or dim almost 20 year old). I met the property manager of one small apartment complex at the complex and followed her into the apartment. And instantly wanted to leave. I had the most overwhelming sense of dread and horror; I felt that either someone had been horribly murdered there or someone would be. I played it cool and gave the place a cursory look, following the property manager, just in case there was a dismembered corpse somewhere. There wasn’t, and I politely declined the apartment, and got the hell out of there.

I did try to find out if anything had happened there, but short of asking the Prescott police or reading every newspaper from the time the complex opened to the (then) present, I was out of luck. And I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to know. To this day, I have no idea what prompted that weird feeling. It wasn’t a panic attack – I’ve had those, and this was nothing like one. And if the apartment reminded me of something, well, that’s not much of an improvement. I’d rather I picked up psychic energy of a murder there than think that there could be something to the whole repressed memory business. And, even with my active imagination, I have trouble believing a feeling that strong could be prompted by something reminding me of, say, a work of fiction.


And, of course, there have been any number of odd experiences that weren’t disturbing, but still seem a bit off. Like the time in grade school when a friend and I wandered in the undeveloped wooded area near her house, for far longer than seems possible given the size of the area. Oh, sure, that sounds like just subjective time at work, but on a map, the wooded area is tiny. And the two of us were never able to figure out exactly where we went that day, no matter how many times we wandered that area. It was just one of those things that makes you go “huh?” And it was just one of many times that I’ve had experiences that I haven’t been able to recreate – as though the world subtly changed between the experience and my attempt to recreate it.

Maybe I just have an overactive imagination and a quirky memory, or maybe there’s more to the world than we’ve figured out how to quantify. Either way, I’m taking cover whenever I get the feeling there’s a tornado, and I’m not living anywhere that gives me the creeps – whether because of creaks or vivid bad feelings.

Ah, advertising, how I hate thee

Then again, if I continue my practice of avoiding all products and companies with offensive, drug use prompted, or moronic (or all of the above) commercials, I will soon have a very simple and healthy lifestyle. So there is an upside to my periodically staring at the television with a look of mixed horror and disbelief.

This week's loser is Burger King Oh, yeah, those ads really make me want to eat there. Who doesn't want to go to a fast food restaurant with moronic and/or insanely aggressive customers? What were they thinking? This is actually worse than the addictive air freshener ads thanks to the violent streak this burger apparently causes, and I really didn't think there would be ads that implied worse product affects than those. And yet, Burger King found a way. Go Burger King. Or, better yet, never go to Burger King.

In other news, I love my 70 year old apartment building, but even half foot thick walls aren't enough when the next door neighbors decide to throw a loud party. *sigh* Good thing I'm not planning on going to bed any time soon. -_-